Shamrocks and Shenanigans

UPDATE FROM THE EDITOR:

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Thank you for reading Hyannis News. 

I’ve been on an important mission lately and will be writing more sporadically until further notice.

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A message to the Irish faithful, and anyone else who cares to listen:

I’m sure you are all well aware that Monday is both Saint Paddy’s and the beginning of Holy Week!

Don’t forget to say a special Hail Mary to our dear Saint Patrick and every other bishop since.

This year, in a rare turn of events, Saint Paddy’s falls during Holy Week which means there are to be no parades, nor any of the usual shenanigans!  This comes strait from our Holy Father in Rome, so remember to be on your best behavior.  (And keep your complaining mouths shut about the news from our beloved Pope!  There is absolutely no sense in whining about it.  He’s right, Holy Week is of far greater importance and Saint Paddy's can be celebrated before or after.  Remember this, of these two things I’m quite certain:  he’s the Holy Father, and you’re not!)

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As for those still hell-bent on exercising our Irish wiles and ways, consider these suggestions; I’ve done my best (as a lay Catholic) to consult our Catechism, so listen up:

1.       Guinness may be moderately consumed during Holy Week, preferably after mass and not while operating heavy machinery.

2.       Before you get too far into your pints, it wouldn’t hurt to offer up the first three to our Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

3.       Every pint properly poured should always be topped off with an attempted foam shamrock or other sign of the cross.  No exceptions.

4.       No fighting until Easter Monday.  If a feller tries to start, gently ask him in a soft tone “what would Jesus do?” as you throw him your best decisive haymaker prior to fleeing the scene immediately!  (For you boys who’d like stay and trade cheeks, this week's definitely not the time for her!)  As you enter the confessional on Saturday, everybody knows that a well placed sucker punch carries a much lighter penance than a full-blown Donnybrook, especially one you started.  So keep your traps shut and please! at least a fraction of a wit about ya at all times. 

5.       If you have an Irish mother, call her prior to your session, not after “time” in the very wee hours singing a special rendition of her favorite song Danny Boy.  (self-explanatory here, and yes I’ve tried this stunt at least once, and yes it went over like a cleft-palated deaf mute on “American Yack-a-doodle” or “Doodle-daddle” or  “Idol”  - whatever they call that show with that freakin’ Simon feller with the queer little British accent…)

6.       IDEA: Start celebrating right now prior to Holy Week!  It’s never too early to have a Guinness during March, especially in remembrance of our favorite missionary.

I’ve included and will be updating this piece with some Irish vibes.  Oh by the way, top o' the mornin’ to ya!  Not leaving?  Then welcome back home, finally.  Where’ve ya been all evening?  "Ya drunken mad whore ya!"