“Coupe” Deval Embraces Degenerate Gamblers

According to Governor “Coupe” Deval Patrick, casinos will save our economy. 

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While Cadillac enthusiast “Coupe” Deval pushes his pro-gambling propaganda, we at Hyannis News are considering the many other benefits of legalized gambling parlors.

You’ve all been there, running late for supper, on your way home from work, when you get that call from your significant other asking for a “quick favor.”  She makes you an offer you can’t refuse and you suddenly find yourself in line at your local convenient store holding a low fat gallon of milk.  You’re tired, frazzled, traffic weary, dying to get out of your work clothes when you realize that the line isn’t budging a single inch.  Minutes later, more than annoyed, you look to the front of the line.

There he is, “King of the Road,” “Mac Daddy Scratch,” just one of the many local drunks tying up the line, swaying back and forth with a handful of scratch tickets and a foul attitude.

Picking out scratch tickets shouldn’t, and usually doesn't, take very long but when it comes to queuing up behind smelly drunken degenerate HyTown gamblers you might as well be watching paint dry.  You watch in disbelief as moments you'll never see again drip by and Scratch-Daddy loudly slurs “Hey yo!  G’me another Roads to Riches!  No! Not that one, muddafucka, the one above it!  And I’ll try a Lucky Seven while you’re at it, muddafucka.”

Fifteen scratch tickets later, an eternity in a quickie mart, you’re ready to run the inconsiderate booze bag over with a mini shopping cart.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have nothing against degenerate gamblers or smelly local drunks, but combine the two under a Cumby’s roof, and that’s where serious problems begin.   People go to these “convenient” stores for convenience!   Not long lines held up by drunken fools wasting their money just because nobody taught them math.  You’re left there thinking, “there has to be a better way!”

And then enters our hero “Coupe” Deval with his “legalize casinos now” propaganda.  A light bulb switches on and you suddenly realize the solution that will make everyone happy.  The long awaited Hyannis Sun Casino and Homeless Shelter idea pops into your tired brain.  It’s the “silver bullet” that will solve the convenient store dilemma once and for all, making everyone happy.

We at Hyannis News would like to officially endorse state subsidized local “mom and pop Cape Coddish-styled" gambling parlors/homeless shelters and here’s why:

            1.  Our friendly gambling drunkards will finally have a warm dry place to drink and gamble during the daytime hours, and all hours for that matter.

            2.  Degenerate gamblers with math issues will no longer have to tie up lines in convenient stores.

            3.  We will effectively tax math challenged derelicts, wayward rogues who are more likely to cause disturbances, draw a police response, and tie up our courts with misguided tomfoolery.

            4.  Without the usual Hytown ballyhoo, commuters will no longer need to deal with belligerent idiots tying up lines and breathing on us with booze breath as we pick up the daily news or random grocery item. 

            5.  By consolidating all drunkard degenerate gamblers under one roof, these underprivileged sods will be out of the harsh elements, warmly tucked away from the throbbing masses – everyone wins!

            6.  By taxing the poor and the less mathematically sound, middle class workers will likely shoulder a gentler tax burden.  Soon Massachusetts will be rolling in the money!

These are just some of the many advantages of legalizing casinos and local gambling parlors.  Advantages that will finally make Massachusetts the proverbial land of milk and honey.  Way to go “Coupe” Deval!   Hip-hip hooray!  I’m quoting “Coupe” Deval’s campaign slogan when I say “YES WE CAN!” …keep drunken degenerate gamblers warm and dry in front of annoying juked-up slot machines, off the street and amongst the many desperate grandmothers chain-smoking butts in their pajamas, hypnotically jamming every last one of their pennies directly into government coffers, complete with all the noisy bells, whistles, and congratulatory fanfare.