HYANNIS – A mother, father and small child were sound asleep when someone smashed in their bedroom window late [Thursday] evening, shortly before midnight. The sudden sounds of breaking glass was their rude awakening, intensified by the uncalled-for discovery of additional vandalism to their vehicle parked in front of their home.

Barnstable squad cars rushed to the area of Stevens Street looking for the vandal responsible for the malicious destruction. Two bedroom windowpanes were completely smashed in, apparently by a garden statue, which depicted a pigtailed girl holding flowers while stuck to a rock. The cement statue was found underneath the window, surrounded by shards of glass.

Footsteps away, officers photographed a car with a smashed windshield, gouge marks, and torn-off mirror.

HN briefly spoke with the victims. The young father, understandably outraged, alluded to the vandal’s good fortune that he (or she) did not actually walk or crawl into their home…

… while the mother, holding her small child, stood in the doorway, noticeably perturbed.

Then moments later, at about ten minutes past midnight, other officers were called to an address about a block away on Bearses Way where a man was reportedly trying to gain entry into a residence. The first officer on scene spotted a portly 29-year-old male staggering around the vicinity. The staggering male fit the caller’s description, especially because he was obviously heavyset and stumpy.

Then suddenly, as the officer went to investigate, the stumpy 29-year-old took off scampering away. There was a brief foot chase – more of a short dash, since the officer was quickly able to gain ground, capturing the stubby drunk at the intersection of Bearses Way and Bumpus Road.

Upon further investigation officers gathered evidence which seemingly connected the chunky male to the wanton douchebaggery with the pigtailed cement statue back on Stevens Street. The evidence looked good, but still wasn’t quite enough to bring charges.

The portly male was, however, taken into protective custody for being obviously too intoxicated to be out safely staggering around.

The case of malicious destruction with a pigtailed garden statue remains under investigation by the Barnstable Police Department.

* All stumpy, obviously smashed suspects are presumed innocent until proven guilty in a courtroom of hungover attorneys, and at least one sober judge…

P.S. – Today’s Hytown Vignette music is brought to you by The Ozark Hot Mulch Band… [CLICK IT/CRANK IT!]

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